manateam lit

anno machina


Anno Machina

The lights over Adam’s head drowned his eyes in a sea of white. Adam’s resting place in the brightly lit laboratory was cold and smooth.  A sprawling mass of legs, arms, head, and torso, he suddenly became very aware of his own body and the unity of all its parts. He told his arm to move and it responded by slowly waving its attached hand in front of his face.

Adam’s muscles had not been dormant. Dormancy suggests a long existence with little use. Adam’s muscles were a new creation, unaware of the weight they would hold, the pain they would feel, or the gradual decline they would experience.

As he shifted his weight off the metallic table, Adam’s legs nearly buckled from the pressure placed on them. A cursory glance around the sterile white room was a study in blinking lights, computer screens, and what appeared to be a large cube emanating light from its center. A strange reverence came over Adam as he stared into the light spilling out of the cracks and crevices of the large cube.  A blade of light slithered across his face and Adam felt every hair on his body stand as if trying to get closer to the source of the light.

What was this place? More importantly, what was he?

“The Machine has a purpose for my life,” Adam thought.

Adam, keeping his eye on the crack through which a golden light spilled, moved closer to the Machine as a predator sneaking up on its prey. The Machine beckoned for a

touch and Adam felt compelled to respond.  As his hand grazed over the smooth side of the cube, Adam became curious of what was beyond the walls surrounding him.

The world outside Adam’s birthplace called to him in a soft voice, begging for discovery and exploration.

As he walked through the doors of the tall needle-shaped building that had housed his birth and self-realization, Adam was greeted by a thousand identical structures whose apexes all pointed toward the nothingness that was the sky.

“What the Machine has created is good,” Adam thought.

Adam walked the streets and alleys of the civilization marveling at the precision of each building and the craftsmanship of the Machine. Looming towers gave way to perfectly symmetrical streets running in a grid for as long as the eye could see. Strings of light snaked from one building to another and filled the sky with a brilliant luminescence that gave the effect of stars even in the day.

A strange feeling overcame Adam as he looked at the rows and rows of symmetrical needles standing together in solidarity. Being surrounded by thousands of identical towers caused Adam to realize exactly how alone he was.

“Surely the Machine doesn’t plan for me to live here by myself.”

As the words escaped his mouth, Adam saw a figure wander out of one of the buildings. The other being looked exactly like Adam and wore the same expression of awe on his face. Flocks of people were now flooding the streets, stumbling from the buildings and exploring the world they found themselves in. Adam approached the man with uncertainty.

Unsure of what to say, Adam stuttered to the man, “Who are you?”

He was ashamed of the fear in his voice and immediately regretted speaking.

The figure he had seen come out of the building stared at him blankly and, without a word, lunged at him. 

As Adam toppled to the ground, the man’s hands gripped firmly around Adam’s neck. Spittle showered Adam as his attacker spoke softly to Adam through clinched teeth.

“The Machine has no idea what it has created,” the attacker managed. “There is a flaw in this world and it’s tearing me apart.”

Each word hung in the air but his audience barely took notice of the word’s meaning.            

Adam’s field of vision was turning to white when he no longer felt the attacker’s hands around his neck.  The blood shot back to his brain and he gasped for air. He glanced around and noticed a crowd had formed in a circle around the scene of the attack. As he climbed to his feet, Adam saw his attacker lying face down in a pool of blood. A man holding a metal pipe tinged with red glared at Adam, dropped the pipe and walked away.

The crowd dispersed and left Adam to piece together the events under the setting sun and hanging lights.

500 years later

            The citadel was filled with equal parts blood and the smell of burning flesh.

Abel began to believe that if he stood still any longer, his feet would become frozen to the ground and he would never leave. The young soldier decided to pace through the building from room to room, hardly recognizing any of the faces he saw. 

            Abel’s commanding officer took notice of the expression of fear on his charge’s face.            

            “Abel you gotta calm down. You’re wearing me out with all your pacing.”

            “Sorry sir. It’s freezing in here so I thought walking around might warm me up.”

“You just worry about your post, soldier.”

Initially the conflict had centered on the dwindling supply of fuel in the world. Nearly every aspect of the world’s infrastructure and technology was dependent on the use of a carbon-based fuel, tolacarbonyl. Tola for short. As the population increased, demand for tola directly increased. The world government commissioned a group of top scientists to create an alternative to the scarce tola but after years of failed attempts, the government executed the scientists on suspicions of sedition.

A large rebel group was rumored to be behind the government’s inability to create a tola alternative. The group held that man’s insatiable hunger for progress would eventually leave the planet uninhabitable. The “Naturals” as they were called, had been responsible for some of the worst terrorist attacks in history.  Car bombs had been set off in crowded markets, human reengineering plants had been decimated using nuclear technology, and three world leaders had been assassinated at the hands of the Naturals.  

Abel’s platoon had been held up in downtown Bethlehem for three days and the outlook was bleak. The southwest quadrant of the city was a known breeding ground for Naturals and when government troops moved in, the bloodshed followed them.

Abel was unable to connect the dots in his head as to how the war had reached such brutality but it was clear that this was no longer a war for a natural resource but a war for the livelihood of an entire civilization.

“How did we get ourselves in this far?” Abel wondered aloud. “The Machine didn’t create us to kill each other.”

“Quit it with that Machine-talk,” one of the soldiers yelled at him. “The machine is nothing to be worshipped. It got here the same way we did. God–or something we can’t see–put us here, because where would the Machine have come from? What created the Machine?”

“You two are both idiots. We’re here, we need tola, we have guns and that’s all there is to it,” another soldier barked. “Machine or no Machine, we need to be looking out for ourselves.”

“I just don’t see how you can believe–

Abel was cut off mid-sentence by an explosion that blew out the windows and sent shards of glass flying through the air. He scrambled for his gun, which had been laid as a subconscious protest to the war. He clung to it like a child clings to its mother’s hand as he watched the soldiers around him scream in pain or pass out from blood loss. The gun gave him no feeling of safety and felt foreign and awkward in his hands.

He looked across the trashed room and saw his commanding officer screaming something at him. 

The sound of the explosion left a ringing in Abel’s ears but it was his fear that drowned the noise out.

Another explosion followed the first and this time the foundation of the building shook. As Abel was regaining his bearings a third explosion hit and then a fourth almost immediately after it. The blasts began to gain a rhythm that felt like a death march.

Abel got to his feet and sprinted out of the room, stepping between the dead and dying bodies.  His fear was now drowned out by a dogged determination to not die in the building with the rest of the soldiers whose ideals he didn’t agree with.

Navigating through the halls of what Abel assumed had been a hospital was hell. The tan one piece uniform the government and issued to enforcement fighters chafed his legs as he ran.

The Naturals had made sure to cut power to the building as soon as the troops moved.  The explosions outside were the only light source Abel could use to avoid running into walls or gurneys or caches or body piles.

Abel wasn’t sure where he was running.  There was no set destination in his mind but he was sure that he wanted to get as far away from the building as possible before a shell landed in his room.

As he reached the door, the street had an eerie, calm feeling. A sun was almost completely set and the sky had a few brushes of pink left in it but the black was slowly over taking the pink. The sky was illuminated by the stars and the light from the

Concentrated Energy Lasers being hurled at the building. Abel thought it strange how the Machine could see fit to create something as beautiful as the sunset he was watching and juxtapose it with a brutal slaughter like the one he had just escaped.

The sound outside was almost deafening and Abel began to run north where he knew of a few Naturals who could take him in. Abel looked back at the building one last time and as it shrunk from his view, he felt something inside of himself take hold.

1000 years later

Jessica and Campbell had been looking for food all day. This was the first time their mother had let them forage without her help. They had gone out enough to know that the red berries were not to be eaten and should be avoided. The green berries were sour but edible and every once in a while, they would find a patch of purple berries; that was their treasure.

The war had ended like a train letting its momentum carry itself to a gradual stop. The tola supply had run completely dry so the government war machine shut down. The domino effect was massive. Because the tola had been the fuel behind society’s continual advances and technological breakthroughs, technology began to decline. There was no way to manufacture new medicines because the factories were run by computers. There was no way to fix computers or make new ones because the plants that made computers ran off of tola. Technology had come to a halt and slowly began to skid backwards. 

Society moved to an egrarian economy and people began growing their own food. The Naturals had won.

Jessica and Campbell moved through the fields gingerly as if they were sneaking up on something. Jessica would hide low in the stalks of tall grass and look over at Campbell.  Campbell would then run and hide behind a log pretending to shoot an animal with his bow and arrow as he ran. The sun had almost reached its apex as they came to the edge of the clearing.

“We should turn around,” Campbell said. “We’ve never been this far out,”

 “Just a bit further,” his sister replied.

She read the look of doubt on her brother’s face.

“We don’t even have to tell mom and dad. We will go a little further and go right back to the house.”

“Just a little further,” he agreed.

The kids stepped into the dark forest that seemed to drown the sunlight.  The air felt stale as they moved through the forest. 

“This is stupid,” Campbell said. “Let’s go back.”

“Just a little further,” Jessica said. “I have something I want to show you.”

Campbell shot his sister a questioning look.

The tree coverage overhead seemed to grow thicker and thicker the deeper they got.  The trees seemed to be groaning as the children navigated the leave covered ground. The kids reached a dried riverbed and Jessica gave her brother a gesture to slow down and be quiet.

Campbell crouched down and followed his sister closely as she led him parallel to the river bed.

“Jess, we’re way too far out. Mom and dad are going to kill us if they find out we went out here.”

Jessica had come to a stop now and was staring up into the trees.

“I don’t understand how they got up there,” she said.

Campbell searched the trees in front of him but could not find what his sister was talking about.

“Jessica we need to go. This place is creeping me out.”

Her eyes were fixed on a spot high above their heads.

Campbell began to study the trees higher up and finally found what his sister was talking about. Swinging in the trees high above them were about 50 skeletons in tan uniforms.

Campbell screamed and backed away from his sister whose eyes were still locked on the mess of tan in the trees. As he backed away in shock he tripped over a rock in the riverbed.

“Sometimes I come here to think,” she said as she looked over at him. “Are you ok?”

Campbell got to his feet and sprinted away from his sister.

“Wait! Campbell! Come back! That’s the wrong way.”

Campbell’s heart was pounding through his chest as he ran through the dark forest. He could hear his sister calling after him but the shock of what he had seen was still fresh. Ahead he saw the light shining through where the forest broke and another field began.

Jessica was racing after her brother, half sorry for scaring him and half sorry for letting him in on her secret place. When he reached the edge of the forest he came to a stop and she caught up to him.

“Campbell you can’t freak out like that. That’s the kind of thing mom and dad will kill us for. You can’t tell them about any–”

 Campbell’s mouth was open and his eyes were wide as he slowly walked forward out of the forest.

Jessica was still concerned that she had scarred her younger brother for life by showing him the dead bodies. But then she looked ahead and saw what he was looking at.

In the valley below them, a thousand needles sprang from the ground and pointed towards heaven. The masses of metallic grey ran in a grid and looked bland compared to the green and orange and yellow that had surrounded them in the forest.  The uniformity of it sickened Jessica and Campbell.

“What is this place?” Campbell asked.

“Only God could know what this place was,” Jessica said.

tell me what you think! i’ve been at the newspaper for 8 hours! woopty doopty dooooooodle!

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i let go of your hand somewhere between

love and what it demands

of me

yep. give us courage

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The Legendz of Zlam (Long Edition)

Hey…it’s Jordan. After weeks of inficting mental and physical distress on Brett, he’s agreed to give me the password to this thing. Actually, I didn’t know this existed and had never used a tumbl(e)r page before today. Oh well. Anywayz here’s the long addition Legend of Zlam: The Story of the Band that Got Together and Played Music. It will be eventually shortened to 0.2% of its current length to serve as the band’s bio. I’m proud of it…but I also understand that it is full of ridiculous metaphors and its a bit self-serving, in that I had a lot of fun coming up with what I wrote. The final bio will include 3 or so paragraphs and will hopefully consist of the best stuff from the Legend of Zlam. Enjoy.

p.s.

Feel free to comment certian parts, and criticisingly construct other parts. The first paragraph is the most vomitiously overdone and will probably end up being a sentence in a paragraph in the bio.

- Jordan

The Legend of Zlam (Director’s Cut and Totally Unrated)

As the sands which fill history’s hourglass are subjected by gravity to a fate of cascading downward throughout the seemingly inexhaustible march of time only to be forced to cascade yet again after the hour glass is flipped over and a new round of charades begins, there are moments where events collide to forever change the course of mankind’s destiny on this spherical sun-orbiting rock known as “Earth” (or for those of you reading this from other planets: *that* spherical orbiting rock known as Earth). It is within the context of planet-shattering history altering events that a band, nay, a movement, later to be known sometime in the future of the past as Zlam Dunk, was born on a warm April, 2008 day in San Marcos, Texas.

This birth was figurative, at least in the sense that the two vaguely defined musical genres of “dance” and “punk” met and figuratively fell in love and figuratively had a baby and that figurative and slightly less vague baby-genre of music would become “Dunk” (first name, Zlam). Seven human beings of immense talent, determination, fortitude and pure guts (like the Nickelodeon kind, but more sentient) emerged figuratively, wrapped in a skill-laced placenta of rock, the kind of image that you just can’t stop thinking about. The details of how the band actually started are shrouded in a bunch of mystery and crazy-obscure stuff like that. But, it was probably along the lines of someone saying “let’s start a band that will be awesome”, with everyone else in the room responding with something like “ok sure, I agree it’ll probably be really awesome”.

The band sequestered itself in its secret recording fortress right next to the town square at the Fire Station Recording Studio and quickly penned its first songs: Feet on Fire, Can’t Stop and Ocean of ’74* (See footnote). Fortunately, the band members were able to draw upon a wealth of personal experiences as inspiration for their songwriting. For example, Rand once spent a year working as an existential marine archeological detective studying ghost shipwrecks in the South Bay of Miami**, while engaging in the city’s well known vice on the streets at night. While there, he also spread his time around on different hobbies: creating robots with artificial intelligence and struggling to then suppress the desires of his robot children to enslave the minds of humans around them, writing novels on fighting zombies and time travel involving modified plutonium fueled 1980’s sports cars, talking endlessly about his days as a hot-shot military fighter pilot, writing a doctoral dissertation on the life of a young George Washington (he also wrote a Masters thesis on the spread of the Bubonic Plague by rats), amateur boxing and dancing…a lot. So really, the songs are all based on Rand’s life of being the kind of off the cuff, take no prisoners renegade that everyone both admires and fears.

Zlam Dunk quickly found an audience among the beautiful, intelligent and all-around gnarly and awesome people of San Marcos and the greater Austin-San Marcos area. They were quickly hoisted into local prominence. Their first inaugural hoist-attempt was a house show was played in a friend’s apartment. Days later they zlammed the competition in a battle of the bands at Texas State University…and earned the right to open for Paul Wall at the 2008 Riverfest in San Marcos the next week. Unfortunately, they were not provided with free grillz for the show, nor did they succumb to the enormous internal and external pressure to transform into a reinvented rap group. The band had been in existence for almost a month, but they still respected their roots and the fans whose support that had allowed them to get so far over the weeks.

In the long weeks and months that followed. Zlam Dunk continued to build their fanbase while completely owning in every battle of the bands event that allowed them to enter and inevitably destroy any semblance of competition. They played another house show with was quickly met with a strong police presence (the “everyone go home” kind, not the “don’t tase me bro” kind, fortunately), because they played so hard that they violated noise-ordinance laws in San Marcos and several surrounding suburbs (take that Ben Folds). Zlam later made a splash in the shark tank that is the Austin music scene (good thing Austin really isn’t a shark tank in reality, because we all couldn’t breathe and would probably get eaten by sharks at some point) with a victorious triumphant championship victory win in the finals round of a region-wide battle of the bands at the Red Eyed Fly in Austin back in July…which prompted a U.N. resolution renaming the month “Zuly” in their honor (I made this up, but you can pretend it happened if you want to). Unlike the Los Angeles Lakers***, Zlam Dunk was able to win in the finals. They are also suddenly BBFF’s (Band BFF’s) with Driver F (BBFF’s with DF) after playing just one show together…on Jupiter (please don’t tell NASA about this).

Growing up, we were all taught that there are three phases of matter: Solids, liquids, and gasses. But now, a fourth has emerged and soon will be known by all as Zlam Dunk (a.k.a. “the fourth phase of matter”). Zlam is not just a phase, it is a legendary symbol of permanence that will exist throughout eternity, or at least until one of them gets married and that member decides to leave the band to “spend time with his new family” and focus on raising the numerous musically talented kids that they will probably have.

Lately, Zlam Dunk has returned their hidden fortress inside Enchanted Rock (please don’t tell the Texas Parks Service about this, it’ll ruin stuff) to record their debut full-length album, yet to be named. It’ll include songs that they wrote and play at their live shows and will hopefully be finished in by the end of 2008, providing that a giant meteor doesn’t target Earth…requiring Elijah Wood to save the planet…again. In the meantime, the band plans to continue playing shows locally until the record is finished. The band expects to tour more regionally over the next year, with plans to tour Australia in 2009 if someone gives them a lot of money, plane tickets and if Brett’s fear of the reverse Coriolis Effect doesn’t get the best of him.

Footnotez:

* Ocean of 74 was originally going to be about the game show “Family Feud”, but the topic changed after everyone in the studio realized that they didn’t know anything about the show and were like “Are you serious? Why are we writing a song about this?”

**Rand is one at least 5 people in Zlam Dunk that has never set foot in Miami. He is also among the 7 members of a band known as “Zlam Dunk” which wrote a song about Miami.

*** The Lakers only won the West in 2008 because the San Antonio Spurs have probably sworn a secret oath to reject any idea of winning championships in even numbered years.

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Hello

My name is Daniel. I wrote this song freshman year of college. It’s for my other band Carmine Sidecar. Enjoy it. I’ll be sure to post more here. Thanks for reading ya’ll. And thanks Brett for making this. 

And I’d love if you read it and then told me if you can understand what it’s about. 





When you make it casual
You deny the fact that it’s beautiful
When you make it casual
You deny the fact that it’s beautiful
and it’s becoming so commercial
it’s becoming so commercial right?
So let’s sell what what we have
for something fake inside
These are our expectations
and it comes as no surprise
we are the ones who made them
what they are
we are the ones who made them
what they are
and it comes as no surprise
but I’ll leave it up to you to decide
but as for me
there’s no second guessing
no sense for undressing
there’s no one here that you’re impressing
not me at all
so put on more then a smile
and I promise that I’ll (do better)
and I won’t make you an object
because that’s what they expect
And call me crazy but
their expectations aren’t enough
And call me crazy but
their expectations aren’t enough
And call me crazy but
their expectations aren’t enough
and call me crazy but
their expectations aren’t enough

Look out for sharks,
Look out for sharks they said. 

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a note about the story

this is the way i passed it out in class so even though i have already found a few embarassing mistakes, i shall leave it as is.  i want to bring you into my world, man. anyways i also apologize for the swears.  i would try to justify with something that sounds pretentious but to be honest i could not think of a way to make the characters sound real without using a few cuss words. ALSO i like the use of the word “bitch” coming from dudebro’s mouth.  maybe it’s laziness on my part. 

i remember hearing that after beyonce knowles played foxy cleopatra in Austin Powers she got alot of flack from the Christian community for what a horrible example that set, what an “evil” role that was, how bad she is etc and her justification for it was that “it was not me speaking those lines, it was foxy cleopatra.” THATS GAY.  i’m not gonna say anything like that.  if you’re offended by the few curses in the story i am deeply sorry and would love to get coffee with you sometime and discuss the finer points of the 2004 NBA draft class and the triangle offense. Anyways, i’m going to fall asleep listening to SAEGLOPUR by SIGUR ROS now.  thanks for reading.

have a good evening. 

God loves you and so do i. 

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TOAST!

TOAST!

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Would have been a good man if it had been someone to shoot him every minute of his life

He started out as a reserved, sheepish man, but once the syllabus had been thoroughly explained four times and the finer points of TRACS had been touched, he wouldn’t shut up. The clock on the wall is my only real friend in this class. We become better acquainted as class progresses. An hour and I’ll be out. The last thing I care about is the domestication of squash in Ecuador (which happened in 8,000 B.C.), but he just drones on and on and on. He’s like an older Jackie Chan.

Or a less wise Mr. Miyagi.

Shoot, Mr. Miyagi was cool. This guy is pretty lame.

“…Untouchability has been made illegal in post-Independence India. Other examples include the segregation and discrimination against the al-Akdham in Yemen, the Gypsies and Cagots in Europe and the– Would you care to share it with the rest of the class? People, I know its hard to believe but we are already halfway through the semester and we have a lot of material to cover so as I was saying, This exclusion was a method of punishing law-breakers and also protected against contagion from strangers. Dalit is the term used in the Indian, Pakistani, and Nepalese cultures. A member of the excluded group is also referred to as an untouchable but the practice…”

Jake is bringing those chicks we met at the bubble party, Tim and Valerie said they were coming, Amanda and Michelle P. are coming, Tyler always brings a crew. The large white sofa has been pushed out of my living room leaving four indentations where the legs once rested. I can’t be expected to focus on a lecture about the Cagots and Gypsies and a thousand other groups I’ll never see. Or touch. Or want to touch.

Michelle. She is real. She is someone who I will be seeing very soon and someone I would love to touch. The exact details are cloudy but we met at a party last weekend. Her ex-boyfriend, a total dude-bro, showed up drunk and making demands. “Baby take me back” and in the light of her refusal to oblige, “Well then I’m gonna need you to give back my Creed CD, bitch,”–a demand that probably sounded heavy and existential in his head but was received by the gathered crowd with little more than a few scattered giggles and cries of “Douche bag.” Anyways, I guess this dude sees me eyeing his “girl” or the “girl-who-use-to-be-his,” and flips out. 

“Whoa Bro, something wrong with your eyes dawg? I could swear I saw you eyeing my girl with your eyes, bro.  Bro, I gotta take care of this dawg.”

“Eyeing my girl with your eyes, bro.” Listening to this guy speak was like jamming a screwdriver in my ear or going to a Nickelback concert.

Anyways, before he could “take care of this,” Michelle ran up between us, shoved dude-bro in the chest and walked away clutching my arm. A quick lesson: even if a girl as hot as Michelle is using you to make her ex jealous, you let it happen. We talked for a couple minutes after the dude-bro exchange and she said she would probably swing by my place tonight. Not exactly sure why, but she never gave me her number so I’m hoping she keeps her word. 

Dang this guy is still talking. How is knowing which Indian class systems suck going to help me get a job after school? Knowing who to avoid in India is not going to put booze in my keg and it sure isn’t going to put Michelle’s tongue in my mouth.     

The only silent setting my phone has is a vibrate mode. You can’t even turn the vibrate off. The people around me hear the vibrating in my pocket.  They know.  I matter. People want to talk to me. My time is in high demand.

There isn’t really any trick to checking your phone in class. The key is to keep your eyes up front. You don’t need to be staring at your crotch while you’re fishing around in your pocket for the phone. Professor Whoever up there has a Ph. D. in God-knows-what so when he sees you fiddling around down there, extra credit is going to be the last thing on his mind. When the phone is out its just a matter of timing. Wait for your professor to change slides, call on a student, write something on the board. Anything to keep him from looking your way.

What the hell?

One missed call: “Dad cell”

We haven’t spoken in a month.

The agreement was that if I got into the honors program the house in Beaver Creek would be mine for Spring Break. Ashley, Courtney, Samantha, Sarah, and I in a hot tub for a week. I fell short by about a point and a half. A point and a half short of a 3.5 GPA is a stretch, but he had never put that kind of pressure on me before. In the past it would have been an understood fact of life that I was going to spend the week in

our vacation house. Our vacation house. But his impossible expectations and my professor’s refusal to tweak their grading practices means the vacation house, meant for vacations, will remain unused.

A strange time to call but maybe the weight of his guilt has become unbearable. Until the next notification of my importance comes, the phone will go back in my pocket.

            I make enough of a scene putting my phone away that the dude to my left studies me, wondering what it is that makes me so desirable. What it is that makes people want to talk to me. Why people want me to like them.

            Hiding the phone has attracted the attention of at least one unwanted spectator. Some dude in a wheelchair has set up shop in the aisle to the right of my desk. His study space is a mess of wires. Colorful worms of copper wrapped in bright plastic devouring a decaying body and slithering to a breathing machine, catheter, or monitor of some sort. More machine than human at this point. Stephen Hawking rolls up next to me in his wheelchair, reeking of urine and the stale smell of an old folks home. Maybe the same thing.

            The phone vibrates in celebration of a newly received voicemail. TOUCHDOWN!

            Pops really wanted to get something off his chest. Imagining him at work, sifting through loan applications from prospective clients, meeting with the board of trustees, presenting new client proposals, all the while being eaten up by the injustice done to his

middle son.  Was it partially my fault? Whatever role I may have played in receiving those grades was overshadowed by the unfairness of my professors.  Refusing to bump

me to a C when I was only three points away. Adhering to the syllabus’ attendance policy. Dropping me a letter grade for laughing at the videos during human sexuality (which is a killer course but not recommended for anyone with a sense of humor, am I right?).

            20 minutes into class and the world is clammering for me. Another vibration rattles my pocket and draws the attention of Ryan Seacrest Jr. sitting to my left. Sporting frosted tips and a backwards visor, this Tau Kappa Whatever is grinning like Steve Irwin watching two endangered pandas have sex. It would almost be creepy if it weren’t so irritating. I really need to choose classroom real estate more wisely in the future.

             No.

What is going on?

            One Missed Call: Leslie Cell

            Why would my sister be calling me? She should have a classroom full of fourth graders right now.  It’s not my birthday so why is she calling me? It’s not a major holiday. Wait. Is today Columbus Day? Do people even call other people on Columbus Day?

            Another voicemail. 

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT RYAN SEACREST?  Yes, I might be in the middle of a minor family emergency BUT KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE PROFESSOR YOU KEG-TAPPING CHEERLEADER-DATING BROHAN.

Ok ok ok ok. First my dad calls then my sister. Haven’t talked to either of them in a while.  COINCIDENCE! God bless coincidences and God bless America.

Yeah it’s just chance. They were both calling to say hello.  Maybe that one degenerate kid whose parents are apparently way too in to meth tried to eat glue again and my sister called to tell me how hilarious it was. In the middle of her class though?

I need to get out of here.  Just go in the hall and check my voicemail. Make sure my dad is apologizing and my sister is relaying an anecdote about the Elmer’s glue kid, then come right back.  This teacher is an attendance-Nazi though. He locks the doors once the lecture begins and occasionally some poor soul will make it to class late and get publicly ridiculed as they stick their face up to the glass panel on the door, begging someone to open the door. It’s guys like Mr. Miyagi up there who ruined the possibility of Beaver Creek and Meghan, Stephanie, Anna, Erin, me, and a hot tub for a week. 

I can’t miss this class again. It’s no big thing just a coincid-

WHAT THE HELL?

Another rattle in my pocket.

Whoa. Ok. Chill out. It’s probably just Tyler. He saw an emo kid in the quad and wants to describe the Hawthorne Heights shirt the kid was wearing. Hawthorne Heights and make-up. Pull the phone out and pray it’s not a family member. Forget about the rules for checking your phone in class.  Just pray it’s not-

One missed call: Charlie Cell

That’s it.

My mom is dead. She got in a head-on crash going to work this morning. No that’s too Days of Our Lives.

Less dramatic but still something to ruin my life.

Our house burned down. Mom left the curling iron on and the towels were the first thing to go. 

My sister has cancer. She has six months to live but the tumor has set up franchises all over her brain.

Dad, sister, and brother call me within minutes of each other.  There is no other explanation.

This dark cloud has been looking to enter my life for too long. 

Summers in Colorado, skiing, fishing, hunting.

My fathers six figure income.

I’ve drifted through life.

My future is tied up in (fill in the number) shares of the Exxon Mobil Corporation.

I fell asleep listening to an iPod last night while the Dalit of India drifted away to the sound of their mothers and fathers coughing up blood or their sisters being raped by street gangs. I’ve lived too easily. The quota for sorrow in my life has been waiting to be filled and this is the first in a series of biblical plagues that is coming to enter and destroy my once-peaceful existence.

I deserve this. I’ve been completely thoughtless.  Karma. Reap what you sow. Bad things happening to even worse people.  Call it whatever you want.

STEPHEN HAWKING!

This dear soul has wheeled his way into my life and I can’t get over the piss bag precariously hanging from his chair. I would have talked to you, dude. Seriously I would have, but do you even speak? I could swear I’ve looked over at him in the past and seen drool coming from his mouth (which is funny as balls when it happ–

NO! Funny as balls is the old me.  The pious, new me would wipe the spittle from Stephen Hawking’s mouth. One better, the new me would find out Stephen Hawking’s real name. We could talk about Klingons and Wookies and–

No, no, no. This is all wrong. I need to leave. Forget about the attendance sheet. I have to get out of here. Drop me a whole letter grade, Miyagi; see what I care.

Ok dude just zip up your bag. Don’t trip over Stephen Hawking’s wires. Don’t look at the professor. Just walk to the door without tripping or–

Shoot! Is that girl looking at me? Dang girl, you like what you see? She is total undressing me with her eyes. Is my fly down or what? This girl is so fine I can’t even tell you the kind of things I would do–

NO. Call your dad and find out when the funeral is happening.

Find out whether the insurance is going to cover it or not.

Have a good cry then call your sister and tell her you love her and you’re going to miss her.

“Perowne, Miller, and Associates.”

 “Yeah hi is Greg Perowne in the office?”

“I’ll transfer you right over.”

The phone blares a steaming pile of elevator music into my ear. Is it elevator music if you’re not in an elevator? Does anyone start elevator music bands? Who goes into a recording studio to create elevator music? Are there elevator music awards? Every other genre has ‘em so I would imagine elevator music is no different. Gah this music disgusts me. So bland.

 “Greg Perowne speaking.”

The tone of his voice betrayed no terror.  No lost hope. No “sky is falling–run for cover attitude.

“Dad. What’s going on?”

“Topher-my-boy! Long time no talk! I guess I had a nice little chat with your voicemail earlier haha but that hardly counts as…”

He was prone to rambling and making little jokes. Tiny little jokes. Miniscule. Dang man that girl in class was so hot just now.  I wonder if Stephen Hawking has a Facebook. What would the Civil War have been like if one side had fought using modern weapons? What’s dad saying now?

“…but it’s nothing to worry about.  It shouldn’t affect your schoolwork or anything.  You probably won’t even have to come to the funeral.”

DAMNIT! My mom is dead. I knew it. That’s why she didn’t call. WHY WOULD I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?

“Dad! What are you talking about? Why would I not go to the funeral? Wait. What are you talking about?”

“Toph, calm down. I don’t think you ever met Susan. What’s the matter?”

“Wait who is Susan?”

“Your great aunt Susan passed away last night. I was just calling you and your brother and sister to let you guys know that she left each of us a nice little chunk of her nest egg.”

This woman I had never met left me money. Apparently a lot. My mom is not dead. My sister is in good health.  My house is still standing. I don’t have to clear my schedule for funerals or hospital visits. The Indian government will take care of the Dalit! Maybe I can talk dad into The world has come back into focus and I’m smiling in the center. Why was I not aware that I had a rich great aunt? No birthday cards. No Christmas cards. All of a sudden this lady just drops dead and gives me a ton of money.  She never gave me the time of day in life and now she thinks she can make amends by buying me off?

I cannot believe the nerve and insensitivity of some people.

“So is it gonna be direct deposited or do I have to go get the cash?” I asked.

this is my first post on tumblr. i feel like rand.

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